this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
