Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
