Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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