tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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