Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
