bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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