allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
