i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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