phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
