I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
