I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
