We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
