She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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