yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
