I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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