he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
