we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
