WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
