I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
