nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
