Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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