My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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