Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
