Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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