Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
