She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
