you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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