So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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