and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
