My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
