and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
