oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
