I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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