It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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