I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
