White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
