Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
