It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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