He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm at about main and main street
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
