i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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