I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Randomize
