just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
