her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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