I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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