forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
