i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
And then he peed in my hair
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