my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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