Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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