Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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