My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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